Also, since I’m sure you haven’t transcribed 1000 texts to a word document before, let me tell you, it’s a huge waste of time. Therefore, I’ve only done the first half below, roughly 500 (of the best - most of them are worthless). I’ll include Volume 2 later, assuming people want to see it. Cause as I see this now, it’s an entirely masturbatory exercise for Matty B and myself to laugh at things that have already made us laugh. Not sure if this is entertaining at all. But fuck it).
As I was watching the Suns’ pathetic performance against the Blazers last night (seriously, Suns – what the fuck is it with the Blazers?!), I realized that my text thread with Matty B. had just crossed over 1000 (I hesitated to even write that, as it will most likely be construed as us being pathetic, but then I realized that we are in fact, pathetic, and that anyone reading this is fully aware). I rarely delete my texts, but every once in a while I’ll purge them all and start fresh. I was about to do that very thing, but I realized that there was probably a gold mine of sports related texts that the two of us have sent each other over the past few months that would warrant reprinting here. Naturally, there were, and there were also a bunch of hilarious texts unrelated to sports that I figured should be included as well.
So, since I was barely able to watch the Suns game, I decided to make better use of my time by transcribing the best ones onto my computer (when copying texts into a Word document becomes a better use of time than watching your favorite sports team, you’ve got an idea of how terribly they were playing).
So, below you’ll find the highlights from the past 1000 texts we’ve exchanged, with any necessary introduction and context that they require.
August 29th – Re: Mad Men and Matthew Weiner, the Creator / EP / Showrunner
MB: I always thought that Weiner is gay.
TC: I mean he’s gotta be, but he’s got kids. Though I guess that doesn’t mean anything.
MB: For a straight guy, he’s really really gay.
August 31st – Re: The US Open
MB: There’s nothing I want more than to play you in tennis…
MB: These majors just put me in the mood…
TC: Haha. Tellin me man… just telling me.
MB: For some inexplicable reason I’m still convinced we’re equals on the tennis court…
TC: Whatever helps you get through the day.
MB: I’ll tell ya what helps me, watching you become a pouty little bitch when things don’t go your way…
TC: Hahah, too bad it hasn’t happened in awhile cause I’ve been so busy winning
August 31st – Re: Tweenage Menace
MB: Think Justin Bieber ices chicks?
TC: It’s a tough call… I bet he hasn’t yet.
MB: I mean suppose the craze ends in less than a year and he hasn’t iced anyone. Could you imagine the regret he’d feel years later? Regret’s not strong enough… like imagine being a tewntysomething loser like us when ou know you squandered that opportunity.
TC: True, but this craze is so intense that he’ll always have a fan base… God, to just be him with the depraved sex obsessed mind I have now…
September 1st – Re: Cardinals Catharsis
MB: Leinart’s Donzo!
TC: Good riddance… Devin predicts he’ll be unreal once traded, but I just think there’s no chance of that
MB: Nah, don’t see it. Schlereth tore him apart.
TC: Fuck yeah, love Schlereth
(Leinart Retrospective: After having watched the worst starting QB in the NFL for nearly thirteen weeks, I would welcome Leinart back on our team. I NEVER would have imagined saying that, as I was very vocal in hating him. But when your QB is worse than Delhomme, Matt Moore, Clausen, et. al, things change. Although now we’ve got this Skelton… one win under his belt, perhaps he leads a surge to finish 7-9 atop the NFC West and gets a home playoff game?!? Christ, I’m an optimist, but that’s just delusional).
September 1st – Re: Truths
MB: Tell you what gets me, attractive thirtysomethings driving luxury cars…
September 1st – Re: US Open
TC: Aside from the Suns, not sure if anyone has let me down as much as Roddick
MB: I’m starting to think he’s just a loser.
TC: I guess that’s the obvious conclusion.
September 3rd – Re: One-Sided Competition
MB: Next time we play tennis I’m gonna be so active on the court you’ll think I’m playing on smaller dimensions.
TC: Not with the way I’ll be the puppeteer, slamming my backhand down the line.
MB: Your game’s a lot like Isner”s, all serve
TC: Hah, you mean getting 8% of my first serve and lobbing in my seconds for easy returns?
MB: 8% seems pretty generous to me…
September 4th – Re: When You’re Not Having Sex…
MB: Taco Bell’s new chicken flatbread’s got my name all over it. Might just get one tonight…
TC: You get one? Just have had so much taco bell lately, could use a new item in the rotation
(Flatbread Retrospective: Neither of us tried it for a long time after that. When Matt visited a month later, we decided to get it and split it as a 4th item. We were drunk. And as a drunk is wont to do, he raved in the back seat about how soft and warm the bread was, pressing the wrapped item to his face in order to feel said warmth. I frowned upon the choice – cheese and chicken inside bread? Doesn’t it need some highly caloric sauce to make it all come together? Anyway, he claimed he enjoyed it. I apparently took a bite, but was too blacked to remember the taste. Regardless, I stand by my initial opinion: too simple, a waste of an item.).
September 6th – Re: Boise St vs. Virginia Tech, or, Overrated Losers
TC: Worried about these Beavers
MB: This boise st defense!
TC: Tellin me…don’t really want them to win. Kind of hate em now.
MB: Really? How could you?
TC: They’re overrated. Don’t like their swagger. They don’t play anyone of quality
MB: Well I mean they’re reducing the tenth ranked team to a jv squad
TC: Well unfortunately Virginia tech is even more overrated
MB: Hahah, Fair enough, well they’ll be playing a solid team in the bcs championship..
Brief Pause
MB: That Herb Kirkstreet just knows what he’s talking about
TC: He usually doesn’t slurp so much. Annoying as fuck.
TC: Aw poor fuckin boise has to travel all the way across the country. What a hardship
TC: How can you listen to all this and not just hate em?!?
MB: Go blue!!
MB: Despite their exhausting trip all across America the broncos win! BCS champs, baby!
TC: Those Beavers will get ‘em
(Boise Retrospective – The Beavers most certainly did not “get ‘em.” However, my wish was granted when I watched the Brotzman meltdown with a huge grin on my face. Where’s your Boise BCS game now, Braich, you piece of shit?!)
September 11th – Re: Competitive Assholes on a Day of Remembrance
TC: Just admire what [Del Potro’s] doing! Makes me want to get out there and get back to painting corners with my forehand!
MB: I’ll tell ya what you can paint, my nuts with your tongue!
(Tennis Retrospective – Matt and I have played each other in tennis a lot, and during the time of these texts, I had a Federer-like hold over him, beating him every time. The games were close, but he either had a huge mental collapse or I was able to persevere somehow to get the victory. Now, it pains me to say, the tables have turned. Matt’s really come into his own, while I struggle to hit a solid winner. My game is simply attrition – wait until he makes a mistake. But he’s getting better – he doesn’t make many mistakes. And when his forehand is working, he’s tough to beat. My secret weapon was my serve – my first one, when I actually get it in, can be an absolute howitzer. However, my first serve percentage is down to about five now, as mentioned above, and therefore beyod ineffective. Anyway, I’m sure no one gives a fuck about any of this, so that’s that).
Sep 12th – Re: Cards vs Rams
TC: I mean, this is just frustrating. Feel uneasy about these Cards.
MB: I know what you mean. We haven’t been bad, but I don’t want to go into half tied. We should be up 14
MB: FUCK!!!
TC: Fucking trash dude. Bradford can suck my cock. This is just so irritating.
MB: Fucking 5 three and outs. Pathetic.
TC: Anderson is really looking terrible. Bring on hall. Writing off the season already.
MB: I just called for Hall myslf. This is awful. Just awful.
MB: Just love this Anderson!!!
TC: Tellin me!!
MB: NOOOOOO!
TC: Bullshit! Not a fumble!!
MB: Still Hightower has to hold on to that.
MB: Well, we’re 1-0 and the 9ers lost. I’ll take it.
TC: Tellin me. W is a W
MB: And to be honest Anderson had some good drives and the D looked good…
Sep 18th – Re: ASU Football vs Wisconsin
TC: WOOO! Nothing better than a return!
MB: NAH!! Can’t believe I missed it. Was watching those loser huskies instead
MB: FUCKIN BIG PLAYS!!
MB: NOOOOO!!
MB: That’s the second massively blown call that cost ASU a touchdown. Awful, man!!
TC: Fuckin’ trash!
MB: Just want the Cards to get that Burfict
TC: Threet just can’t throw a good long ball.
MB: It’s over.
MB: I hate these fuckin’ middle American cocksuckers!!
TC: Don’t count those chickens! Just got time!
TC: So I’m seeing THE TOWN at 4… gonna have to record the rest of this ASU… gotta go silent…
MB: Just a mistake! You can see THE TOWN whenever. With whom chirp now?!?! Can’t believe you…
TC: I hear you, but we bought these advance tickets!! Got no choice!
MB: Touchdown! Tied game! Impressive drive. Repeat threepeat! Fuck you! NOOOOOOO!
TC: NAH!!!!!!
Sep 18th – Re: Ben Affleck: Not Just Competent…But Good?
MB: How was that town?
TC: Really good. Very Heat influenced. Great performances. This Affleck really seems to know what he’s doing.
MB: Was it strange seeing Hamm not be Draper?
TC: Yeah… it’s pretty tough not to just view the performance as a disheveled draper with a gun
MB: Hahah. That’s exactly what I want.
Sept 18th – Re: A Webster’s-Worthy Definition
MB: Gonna watch this Arizona Iowa game?
TC: I mean… gonna see some of it… gonna be blacking with dudes who aren’t into events.
MB: Losers, man
Sep 19th – Re: Cards vs. Falcons
TC: The defense looks shaky. Just not happy.
MB: Bend but don’t break! Our redzone D has been pretty good, though
TC: WOOOOO!!!!
MB: Horseshit PI call. Just totally bailed em out. Now they’re gonna score. Awful
TC: Jesus Anderson is pissing me off!
MB: It’s not all Anderson. A lot of dropped passes, too many penalties. We look like fucking losers…
TC: Jesus this secondary! I mean… how bad are we gonna be this year. Not sure if I’m ready for it.
(TC is Nostradamus Retrospective – That last line. I was indeed not ready).
Sep 19th – Re: Everything I Want But Will Never Have
MB: Doesn’t tom brady look kinda sickly these days? Like he’s got this skeletor thing going on. I’m worried.
TC: I mean, if by sickly you mean just a golden god, then yes… I don’t see skeletor, just a real chiseled face I’d go gay for
MB: He looks unhealthy, like he was up all night doin zee blow linezzz
Sep 19th Re: When The Answer Is No, Cause No One Reaches Our Heights of Depravity
MB: Do you think 25 year old chicks look at Beiber with the same lascivious eye that like you and I have towards Miley Cyrus?
Oct 1st – Re: Poorly Handled Situation
TC: You watch jersey shore from last night? This chick Mike iced is just YOU
MB: I mean I just can’t believe he banged her and was done. She’s just the one!!
TC: She better be back!
Oct 3rd – Re: Life-Changing Epiphany
TC: Tell ya what we’ve been making mistakes on – not coming to hooters more often. Jesus. That DC and I are at one in SD and the talent is staggering.
Oct 3rd – Re: TC and His Bro Travel to SD to Watch the Chargers Destroy the Cards
(Note: These guys Devin and I spoke to literally would say things like “We’re Cholos man… Chargers!!” So, no disrespect or anything, just going by what we’re told).
MB: How’re those cholos treating ya?
TC: Surprising amount of cards fans… at hooters, on the train, and where we’re sitting… but nothing compares to the reaction of those cholos when gates scored. Brutal
MB: Make those cholos hear it!!!
TC: This team is pathetic.
MB: Max Hall
MB: Wow
Oct 7th – Re: The 12 Year Old Fantasy That Never Dies
MB: Last night, I went all peeping tom on a chick. It was unreal, but kinda feel like a huge dirt bag…
Oct 8th – Re: The Importance of Brady Hills
(Context: Brady was in AZ from Ireland for a bit and MB and I wanted to visit him).
MB: Simmons called the cards the worst team in the NFL.
TC: I mean, he could be right. In other news I see via facebook brady’s back in PHX… no reach out at all… not sure how I feel about that
MB: Interesting… did you reach out to him? I told him a while back to let me know his plans. Is there a move here?
TC: I haven’t reached out to him, but he was well aware of our intention… I don’t know what the move is. I’m a bit thrown by it… a hurt girlfriend. Guy’s just got new priorities.
MB: Haha, a hurt ex-girlfriend, evidently. It’s not like we could make it out this weekend anyway. Let’s reach out one of these days and figure it out.
TC: I know, but I still figured he’d put a feeler out…
MB: Maybe he feels overwhelmed being back? I’m sure there’s a lot of quotas he feels obligated to meet. Don’t be too butt hurt
TC: I’m a quota you can’t wait to fill!
Oct 10th – Re: Cards vs Saints, or How the Hell Did That Really Happen
MB: Maybe this Max Hall can be something…
TC: I think he could be…
MB: Hahah what a garbage touchdown.
TC: Eh I’ll take it... they should have just pounded it in with beanie… and hall just got fucking LIT UP
MB: I knew they were gonna go play action on 2nd down and I didn’t like it. Hall’s career is over.
MB: NFL teams can be so bipolar it’s crazy
TC: I hear ya. I mean I’m getting way ahead of myself here, but can’t wait to see what these fuckin pundits say if the cards win this!
MB: Hahha, I know, the pundits are as bipolar as the league. I don’t like Wiz going to Hightower on that third down.
MB: Why accept that penalty?!?
TC: Don’t know! Mindless! Unless maybe you cant cause the play shouldn’t even happen
MB: Not go get ahead of myself now, but a win here could turn the season around.
TC: He just knows where to throw!
MB: Just love seeing fitzy making big catches again! I’m just sooo willing to forgive my girlfriend the second she looks at me…
MB: NO FUCKING WAY!!!!
TC: WOOOOO!!!!
Later
TC: Hell yeah!!!
MB: THE ARIZONA FOOTBALL CARDINALS!!!!
TC: Fucking stupid third down play. Really fucking irritated at some of this play calling.
TC: I mean this Warner talking about Fitzy is putting a huge smile on my face
MB: Hahah I know… just a mindless play call there. What the fuck?!?! Unbelievable!
TC: So fucking stupid. Brees moves the ball into field goal range easy. FUCK
TC: Thank god that clock ran!
MB: Does the clock stop after fourth? Why not just take a knee? The coaches are really fucking this up!
MB: DRC!
TC: Man that feels good!! Real good! Real real good!
MB: Now pundits will look at the score and see a decisive win. Let’s see SF lose tonight!!!
TC: I don’t know why you care so much about SF… they’re terrible, forgotten. Limp cocks.
MB: I mean, even a limp cock can get hard. I’ve got over a hondo in bets that the cards will have a better record
Oct 10th – Re: Don’t Let Bobby Go Out Like This!
TC: Dude Conrad has three errors? Loser… How is that possible?
MB: He’s garbage. How’s it possible he’s still in the game? Even worse, how’s it possible that wagner strained his oblique on a routine throw to first?!?!?
MB: He’s garbage. How’s it possible he’s still in the game? Even worse, how’s it possible that wagner strained his oblique on a routine throw to first?!?!?
Oct 11th – Re: A Hurt Girlfriend
MB: This Boardwalk Empire’s got me hooked, really into it
TC: Yeah, it’s getting better each episode… also, really enjoyed brady’s gmail status of “Cardinals game ripping beers and grilling” as I sit here not getting any reach outs!!
MB: You’re taking it way too personally. I’ll reach out.
Oct 11th – Re: A Look Back at 2010, Where Brett Favre’s Cock Briefly Dominated Discourse
TC: Favre just continues to impress…
MB: Tell ya what’s not impressive about favre, his cock
TC: Hahah. Good call.
MB: Actually, my first impression when I saw those photos wasn’t surprise or disappointment or whatever, but “Hmm, that’s exactly how I imagine his cock to look…”
TC: Haha. Yeah, it looked about right… I mean, why text anyone a picture of an unimpressive cock? I guess if it’s requested, but allegedly this chick had no interest.
Oct 17th – Re: Subpar Items Can Really Ruin a Trip to Taco Bell
TC: Just ripped beers with Brady and John… said they’re gonna try to stop in Riverside, you able to see them? And in other news, just finished a xxl chalupa…
MB: How’s that chalupa?!? Almost got one last night, but stuck with my staples
TC: I mean… too much sour cream, not enough nacho cheese.. not as big as it seems either… but that chalupa shell is delicious
Oct 21st – Re: Something to Reiterate
TC: So text me your new address… and I’ll plan on leaving at 11… right?
TC: I mean…
TC: Tell ya what I hate… a nonresponsive cocksucker
There you have it. The first half of the texts. I stopped right before the NBA season began, because from that point, the texts not only increase in number, but become a lot more relevant to this blog.
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