Goodbye, J-Rich

On the morning of December 18^th, I sent a text to Matty B. “Get on that line.” The following was our iChat conversation:

MB: What’s up?

TC: Looks like JRich and Hedo going to Orlando for Gortat and Carter.

MB: Whoaaaaaaaa.

MB: I mean…

MB: How do you know this?

TC: So, I heard the rumor through that grapevine, and I just saw on the ESPN ticker “Orlando close to acquiring Arenas, Richardson, and Turkoglu.”

MB: Wow.

TC: Yeah, apparently they’re trading Rashard Lewis for Arenas.

MB: Jesus

MB: I mean

MB: Orlando just became a MUCH BETTER TEAM.

MB: And by the way, FUCK!!!

TC: It hasn’t been confirmed whether it’s Carter and Gortat, that’s just the rumor. It could be other players.

TC: I mean, Jrich. He’s gone.

MB: Yeah dude, your guy.

MB: He’s gonna thrive in Orlando.

MB: Have you talked to anyone else about this?

TC: I talked to JK briefly

TC: And then I actually just talked to Drew on the phone about it

MB: Interesting

MB: Why were you talking to Drew

TC: He’s in LA for his bday weekend

TC: He was surprised about the trade

TC: Told him how I feared Nash would be next, and he said “Oh, maybe he’ll go play for the Lakers”

MB: Wait, what?!

MB: Fuck that man!

MB: Loser!

MB: Why the Lakers??

TC: Said he thought Kobe and Nash together would be unreal

MB: WHAT THE FUCK?!

MB: Is he kidding?!

TC: Hahah

TC: Sounded serious

TC: He was real interested in the possibility of a Kobe/Nash backcourt

MB: Dude

MB: That makes me irate

MB: That’s like Drew calling me and saying “I know you just broke up with your five year girlfriend, but I’m going to fuck her repeatedly now”

TC: Hahaha

TC: And then, I’m gonna let everyone I know fuck her too

TC: Then send you the videotapes

MB: It’s even worse than that actually

MB: He just hears Nash could be traded and instantly thinks Lakers?

MB: So fucking loserish

TC: Well

TC: I think I said Nash could be next and he asked to who

TC: And I said it could be anyone, he’ll make any team better

MB: And he just instantly thinks Lakers?

TC: I think he said maybe he’ll go back to the Mavs, but then said “or maybe the Lakers!”

TC: But yeah man, huge loser

MB: Fuck that

MB: The huge Giants fan is now a big supporter of the Lakers

MB: I’d rather see Nash dead than on the Lakers

TC: Hahah.

MB: That wipes out Nash’s entirely legacy with phx

MB: I’d hate him

TC: I don’t know if he’s a Lakers fan as much as he was curious about the Nash Kobe combo

MB: I mean, doesn’t matter

TC: He’s just lost his AZ allegiances

MB: And his credibility

TC: Well, anyway

TC: Jrich is gone.

TC: We’re not gonna score the ball easily

MB: I mean

MB: Orlando could be the best team in the east

TC: I mean

TC: I don’t know about that.

TC: Does this really make them better? I guess Lewis doesn’t do shit, Carter’s old, and Gortat is stuck behind Howard.

MB: Well, their starting five is Nelson, Jrich, Turkoglu, Howard…

MB: I mean

MB: Who plays their three?

TC: Would they play Arenas and Jrich at the same time?

TC: I mean, it seems like they’re the same player. Why get both?

TC: They now have Arenas, Jrich, Redick, Pietrus, Quetin Richardson

MB: Yeah why all these two guards??

TC: They all play the same position.

MB: Maybe Arenas backs up Nelson at point

TC: And who does play the three? Turkoglu? Does Bass play four now?

MB: I mean…

MB: Yeah I guess Bass at four

MB: Jrich is good for them cause he doesn’t need the ball

MB: But Arenas and Turkoglu both need the ball to be effective

TC: Is Arenas even good anymore?

TC: I’d rather have an ineffective Rashard Lewis than Arenas

MB: I mean

MB: I think he’s supposed to be good

MB: Jesus man.

MB: Fucking Suns

MB: That’s it. Nash is next, and we’re committed to rebuilding.

TC: I mean

TC: I don’t know what I’d do if we lost Nash.

MB: No shit

TC: I’ll tell you what though, this Gortat could be good. He’s been shadowed behind Howard and he’s athletic.

MB: Maybe

MB: I mean, what if you put Gortat and Lopez in together.

MB: And Frye at that three. Just go big!

TC: Hahah. Would be unreal.

TC: I’m telling you though

TC: Gortat is a capable, athletic center though. I think he could be good.

MB: I mean

MB: I don’t think I can get behind Gortat.

MB: But maybe the Phoenix medical staff can make Carter return to form.

TC: Give him some of that HGH they gave Hill.

MB: Haha

MB: I could see Carter flourishing with Nash

MB: A return to form.

TC: I always thought he had something left in the tank.

MB: Haha didn’t take long for us to spin this in a positive light.

TC: Hahaha. So true. Like after the Hedo trade

MB: Or Terry Porter as head coach, or Shaq, or letting Amare go…

TC: Haha we spin everything instantly

MB: I just don’t know about this.

MB: I don’t know how to feel

MB: Like, I don’t envision texting you “God I want to suck Gortat’s dick.” It won’t be the same.

TC: Yeah, looks like I’m done talking about the blowjobs I’d give to Jrich.

MB: Oh you see that play by Gortat! I’d just suck him for hours!

TC: Hahahahha. Doesn’t have the same ring.

TC What about that Redick?

MB: What about Redick? Is he in the trade?

TC: Well I don’t know.

TC: I’m just saying if he came, it’d be easier to talk about sucking his dick.

MB: LOL

MB: Best looking guy in the NBA.

MB: I mean when is this going through.

MB: I’m checking websites and seeing nothing

TC: I don’t know

TC: I really want to know who we’re getting though

TC: I hope this isn’t some three team trade where we get Arenas or something.

MB: Yeah I was gonna say this could be a three teamer.

MB: Wash gets Lewis and Carter, Gortat comes here.

TC: Dude I hate Arenas. I’ll be furious.

MB: I could get behind that Arenas

TC: Fuck that, he’s a loser.

MB: So this is probably a contractual trade.

MB: Jrich is expiring

TC: Yeah

TC: And we signed Hedo to that horrible contract, so that’s gone

MB: Just picking up Hedo on the off chance he returns to form

TC: He probably will, which will piss me off

MB: This is gonna go down as one of those teams like five years from now we’re like “Remember when the Suns had Vince Carter? What the fuck?”

TC: Yeah

TC: Shaq is kind of like that too

TC: Alright I’m out – I’ll keep you posted if I hear anything more

TC: We’ll talk more later

MB: Alright

MB: Peace

Tough not to be encouraged by this

So that was our initial reaction to the rumors of this “blockbuster” trade. Now, days later, we have the full details. Jrich, Turkoglu, and under-performing Earl Clark sent to Orlando for Vince Carter, Gortat, Mikael Pietrus, a first round pick, and cash.

As I write this, the Suns just came off a win in Oklahoma City, which is pretty inexplicable. I watched the game and I’m still not entirely sure how it happened, other than Grant Hill getting 30 and 11 (and even sharing Durant defense with Childress). I mean, Christ – what could Grant Hill have been without the injury plagued years? It’s been speculated upon ad nauseum, but a game like last night really makes you wonder. And you don’t get very far when discussing a Suns victory without saying the following two words - Steven Nash. He looked as calm and collected as ever – at one point I think I read his lips to Gentry when he said, “I’m a Churchill-esque leader and this is a very easy game for me.” And he’s right. You’d never know there were any trade clouds hanging over the Suns. In fact, I was reading Marc Spears’ Yahoo article about the “Is Nash next to go?” and it actually assuaged a lot of my (and Matt’s, as listed above) fears about him going. If you don’t want to read the article, allow me to summarize it with one quote from Nash’s agent Bill Duffy:

““He’s a treasure to the fans there. He’s revered there… He’s everything. He’s the identity of the organization.”

I mean, that’s just true, and that right there is exactly why Matt had a conniption over the idea that Nash could play for the Lakers. Anyway, enough about that. To finish thoughts on the OKC game, Lopez and Childress played really well, Dragic had some key plays, and the Suns get a big win. We’ll see how they play tonight against San Antonio, as they won’t have the new guys until Thursday for the heat.

Now the trade.

Vince Carter. When speaking of Grant Hill’s ageless performances, the discussion always comes to the Phoenix medical staff. As Matt and I discuss above in our iChat conversation, if this vaunted group of trainers and doctors can somehow also fix Vince Carter’s woes, the Suns could be pretty dangerous. At least, I think so. But actually, all this talk about Carter lately has made me wonder: was he ever any good? I remember thinking he was; I remember him being an All-Star; I even think I remember him being top five in the league while on Toronto… And I guess he was. But that seems like decades ago. He didn’t do anything for the Magic and he should have been one of their best players. Plus, his years on New Jersey seem like even more of a distant memory than his years on Toronto (I was shocked to see that Carter didn’t get to the Nets until after they made the Finals against the Spurs in ’03). So now I’m saying maybe the Phoenix medical staff can help him return to form. But wait: are injuries even a part of his decline? I really don’t know, and I’m not gonna look it up. All I do know is that I decided to check in on Vinsanity to see if he really warrants any kind of discussion. And Jesus, if you’ve got six minutes, take a look at this and remember. He’s not gonna do much of that anymore, but still, it warrants respect.

Then there’s Gortat. A young center who is athletic, skilled, and entirely capable of being a high quality starting center in this league. Plus, he’s ripe for puns and clever insults. As our greased-man-in-residence TK noted: “Cheesy Gortat-a Crunch.” Not to mention the fact that I badly want to receive a text from someone in Phoenix saying “Apparently Gortat fucked [insert slut from high school whom it would be hilarious to hear about on the receiving end of Gortat’s actual polish hammer].” Now we’ve got the 22 year old Lopez and the 26 year old Gortat, both solid players with lots of room for improvement. I mean, Gortat could potentially play power forward and really make Phoenix’s inside game great. But does that fit the system with Steve Nash? I guess we’ll see, as I imagine Gentry will try out all kinds of combinations to see what works. But really what it looks like is gonna happen is that Lopez or Gortat are gonna be part of a trade before the deadline in February. The Suns are most likely going to go for an emerging Power Forward, and the only way to get a player of any quality is going to be to include a young center like Gortat or Lopez in the deal, since young centers are valuable commodities in the NBA. But since the Magic players need to stay on the roster for two months, there can’t be talk of a package featuring Gortat or Carter (he could very well be traded as well with that expiring contract) until near that deadline. Most pundits say bank on the Suns roster looking very different come the end of Feburary.

Finally, Pietrus was an addition that I didn’t hear about in the initial trade rumors. I like him, but he’s pretty streaky. He can definitely make big shots and can surprise you on the offensive end, but he kind of strikes me as Jrich with about half of the talent. Though now that I know he’s coming to the Suns, it’s hard for me not to see that he’s exactly what the Suns need, and he’s going to make them a hell of a lot more dangerous (as stated above, a positive spin on any player coming here is inevitable).

Throw in a first round pick, which is gonna be late twenties considering the Magic’s quality as a team, and there you have it. Our good friend Jonathan Kolb had the following to say about the trade:

“I hope Orlando realizes that if/when Jrich leaves them in the offeseason, they traded Carter, Pietrus, Gortat, and a 1^st for Hedo.”

Hedo's gonna miss Bianco

That almost makes you laugh. Since Jrich has an expiring contract, he could potentially go anywhere. JK is quick to point out that Carter is the same, expiring, so really you could say it’s Pietrus, Gortat, and a first for Hedo. But that’s laughable. Good riddance to Hedo. He had the opportunity to win a lot of fans over here, but instead he did nothing on the court and prowled the streets of Phoenix for cheap Eastern European whores. What a failed experiment.

Thursday, Miami vs. Phoenix. The Polish Hammer and Vinsanity make their debut on the Suns against King Cocksucker and the Heat. Gonna be real good. REEEAAAAAAL good.

-TC

Text Transcription - Volume 1

(Note: I wrote the below before I could finish transcribing all the texts. I decided to just leave it all as it was written. So though I’m posting this on Tuesday, it’s really from last Saturday. And in case you were unaware, the Suns have now lost three straight, two to the Blazers, and are now in the middle of a four day break in which they better be figuring shit out.

Also, since I’m sure you haven’t transcribed 1000 texts to a word document before, let me tell you, it’s a huge waste of time. Therefore, I’ve only done the first half below, roughly 500 (of the best - most of them are worthless). I’ll include Volume 2 later, assuming people want to see it. Cause as I see this now, it’s an entirely masturbatory exercise for Matty B and myself to laugh at things that have already made us laugh. Not sure if this is entertaining at all. But fuck it).

As I was watching the Suns’ pathetic performance against the Blazers last night (seriously, Suns – what the fuck is it with the Blazers?!), I realized that my text thread with Matty B. had just crossed over 1000 (I hesitated to even write that, as it will most likely be construed as us being pathetic, but then I realized that we are in fact, pathetic, and that anyone reading this is fully aware). I rarely delete my texts, but every once in a while I’ll purge them all and start fresh. I was about to do that very thing, but I realized that there was probably a gold mine of sports related texts that the two of us have sent each other over the past few months that would warrant reprinting here. Naturally, there were, and there were also a bunch of hilarious texts unrelated to sports that I figured should be included as well.

So, since I was barely able to watch the Suns game, I decided to make better use of my time by transcribing the best ones onto my computer (when copying texts into a Word document becomes a better use of time than watching your favorite sports team, you’ve got an idea of how terribly they were playing).

So, below you’ll find the highlights from the past 1000 texts we’ve exchanged, with any necessary introduction and context that they require.

August 29^th – Re: Mad Men and Matthew Weiner, the Creator / EP / Showrunner

MB: I always thought that Weiner is gay.

TC: I mean he’s gotta be, but he’s got kids. Though I guess that doesn’t mean anything.

MB: For a straight guy, he’s really really gay.

August 31^st – Re: The US Open

MB: There’s nothing I want more than to play you in tennis…

MB: These majors just put me in the mood…

TC: Haha. Tellin me man… just telling me.

MB: For some inexplicable reason I’m still convinced we’re equals on the tennis court…

TC: Whatever helps you get through the day.

MB: I’ll tell ya what helps me, watching you become a pouty little bitch when things don’t go your way…

TC: Hahah, too bad it hasn’t happened in awhile cause I’ve been so busy winning

August 31^st – Re: Tweenage Menace

MB: Think Justin Bieber ices chicks?

TC: It’s a tough call… I bet he hasn’t yet.

MB: I mean suppose the craze ends in less than a year and he hasn’t iced anyone. Could you imagine the regret he’d feel years later? Regret’s not strong enough… like imagine being a tewntysomething loser like us when ou know you squandered that opportunity.

TC: True, but this craze is so intense that he’ll always have a fan base… God, to just be him with the depraved sex obsessed mind I have now…

September 1^st – Re: Cardinals Catharsis

MB: Leinart’s Donzo!

TC: Good riddance… Devin predicts he’ll be unreal once traded, but I just think there’s no chance of that

MB: Nah, don’t see it. Schlereth tore him apart.

TC: Fuck yeah, love Schlereth

(Leinart Retrospective: After having watched the worst starting QB in the NFL for nearly thirteen weeks, I would welcome Leinart back on our team. I NEVER would have imagined saying that, as I was very vocal in hating him. But when your QB is worse than Delhomme, Matt Moore, Clausen, et. al, things change. Although now we’ve got this Skelton… one win under his belt, perhaps he leads a surge to finish 7-9 atop the NFC West and gets a home playoff game?!? Christ, I’m an optimist, but that’s just delusional).

September 1^st – Re: Truths

MB: Tell you what gets me, attractive thirtysomethings driving luxury cars…

September 1st – Re: US Open

TC: Aside from the Suns, not sure if anyone has let me down as much as Roddick

MB: I’m starting to think he’s just a loser.

TC: I guess that’s the obvious conclusion.

September 3^rd – Re: One-Sided Competition

MB: Next time we play tennis I’m gonna be so active on the court you’ll think I’m playing on smaller dimensions.

TC: Not with the way I’ll be the puppeteer, slamming my backhand down the line.

MB: Your game’s a lot like Isner”s, all serve

TC: Hah, you mean getting 8% of my first serve and lobbing in my seconds for easy returns?

MB: 8% seems pretty generous to me…

September 4^th – Re: When You’re Not Having Sex…

MB: Taco Bell’s new chicken flatbread’s got my name all over it. Might just get one tonight…

TC: You get one? Just have had so much taco bell lately, could use a new item in the rotation

(Flatbread Retrospective: Neither of us tried it for a long time after that. When Matt visited a month later, we decided to get it and split it as a 4^th item. We were drunk. And as a drunk is wont to do, he raved in the back seat about how soft and warm the bread was, pressing the wrapped item to his face in order to feel said warmth. I frowned upon the choice – cheese and chicken inside bread? Doesn’t it need some highly caloric sauce to make it all come together? Anyway, he claimed he enjoyed it. I apparently took a bite, but was too blacked to remember the taste. Regardless, I stand by my initial opinion: too simple, a waste of an item.).

September 6^th – Re: Boise St vs. Virginia Tech, or, Overrated Losers

TC: Worried about these Beavers

MB: This boise st defense!

TC: Tellin me…don’t really want them to win. Kind of hate em now.

MB: Really? How could you?

TC: They’re overrated. Don’t like their swagger. They don’t play anyone of quality

MB: Well I mean they’re reducing the tenth ranked team to a jv squad

TC: Well unfortunately Virginia tech is even more overrated

MB: Hahah, Fair enough, well they’ll be playing a solid team in the bcs championship..

Brief Pause

MB: That Herb Kirkstreet just knows what he’s talking about

TC: He usually doesn’t slurp so much. Annoying as fuck.

TC: Aw poor fuckin boise has to travel all the way across the country. What a hardship

TC: How can you listen to all this and not just hate em?!?

MB: Go blue!!

MB: Despite their exhausting trip all across America the broncos win! BCS champs, baby!

TC: Those Beavers will get ‘em

(Boise Retrospective – The Beavers most certainly did not “get ‘em.” However, my wish was granted when I watched the Brotzman meltdown with a huge grin on my face. Where’s your Boise BCS game now, Braich, you piece of shit?!)

September 11^th – Re: Competitive Assholes on a Day of Remembrance

TC: Just admire what [Del Potro’s] doing! Makes me want to get out there and get back to painting corners with my forehand!

MB: I’ll tell ya what you can paint, my nuts with your tongue!

(Tennis Retrospective – Matt and I have played each other in tennis a lot, and during the time of these texts, I had a Federer-like hold over him, beating him every time. The games were close, but he either had a huge mental collapse or I was able to persevere somehow to get the victory. Now, it pains me to say, the tables have turned. Matt’s really come into his own, while I struggle to hit a solid winner. My game is simply attrition – wait until he makes a mistake. But he’s getting better – he doesn’t make many mistakes. And when his forehand is working, he’s tough to beat. My secret weapon was my serve – my first one, when I actually get it in, can be an absolute howitzer. However, my first serve percentage is down to about five now, as mentioned above, and therefore beyod ineffective. Anyway, I’m sure no one gives a fuck about any of this, so that’s that).

Sep 12^th – Re: Cards vs Rams

TC: I mean, this is just frustrating. Feel uneasy about these Cards.

MB: I know what you mean. We haven’t been bad, but I don’t want to go into half tied. We should be up 14

MB: FUCK!!!

TC: Fucking trash dude. Bradford can suck my cock. This is just so irritating.

MB: Fucking 5 three and outs. Pathetic.

TC: Anderson is really looking terrible. Bring on hall. Writing off the season already.

MB: I just called for Hall myslf. This is awful. Just awful.

MB: Just love this Anderson!!!

TC: Tellin me!!

MB: NOOOOOO!

TC: Bullshit! Not a fumble!!

MB: Still Hightower has to hold on to that.

MB: Well, we’re 1-0 and the 9ers lost. I’ll take it.

TC: Tellin me. W is a W

MB: And to be honest Anderson had some good drives and the D looked good…

Sep 18th – Re: ASU Football vs Wisconsin

TC: WOOO! Nothing better than a return!

MB: NAH!! Can’t believe I missed it. Was watching those loser huskies instead

MB: FUCKIN BIG PLAYS!!

MB: NOOOOO!!

MB: That’s the second massively blown call that cost ASU a touchdown. Awful, man!!

TC: Fuckin’ trash!

MB: Just want the Cards to get that Burfict

TC: Threet just can’t throw a good long ball.

MB: It’s over.

MB: I hate these fuckin’ middle American cocksuckers!!

TC: Don’t count those chickens! Just got time!

TC: So I’m seeing THE TOWN at 4… gonna have to record the rest of this ASU… gotta go silent…

MB: Just a mistake! You can see THE TOWN whenever. With whom chirp now?!?! Can’t believe you…

TC: I hear you, but we bought these advance tickets!! Got no choice!

MB: Touchdown! Tied game! Impressive drive. Repeat threepeat! Fuck you! NOOOOOOO!

TC: NAH!!!!!!

Sep 18^th – Re: Ben Affleck: Not Just Competent…But Good?

MB: How was that town?

TC: Really good. Very Heat influenced. Great performances. This Affleck really seems to know what he’s doing.

MB: Was it strange seeing Hamm not be Draper?

TC: Yeah… it’s pretty tough not to just view the performance as a disheveled draper with a gun

MB: Hahah. That’s exactly what I want.

Sept 18^th – Re: A Webster’s-Worthy Definition

MB: Gonna watch this Arizona Iowa game?

TC: I mean… gonna see some of it… gonna be blacking with dudes who aren’t into events.

MB: Losers, man

Sep 19^th – Re: Cards vs. Falcons

TC: The defense looks shaky. Just not happy.

MB: Bend but don’t break! Our redzone D has been pretty good, though

TC: WOOOOO!!!!

MB: Horseshit PI call. Just totally bailed em out. Now they’re gonna score. Awful

TC: Jesus Anderson is pissing me off!

MB: It’s not all Anderson. A lot of dropped passes, too many penalties. We look like fucking losers…

TC: Jesus this secondary! I mean… how bad are we gonna be this year. Not sure if I’m ready for it.

(TC is Nostradamus Retrospective – That last line. I was indeed not ready).

Sep 19^th – Re: Everything I Want But Will Never Have

MB: Doesn’t tom brady look kinda sickly these days? Like he’s got this skeletor thing going on. I’m worried.

TC: I mean, if by sickly you mean just a golden god, then yes… I don’t see skeletor, just a real chiseled face I’d go gay for

MB: He looks unhealthy, like he was up all night doin zee blow linezzz

Sep 19^th Re: When The Answer Is No, Cause No One Reaches Our Heights of Depravity

MB: Do you think 25 year old chicks look at Beiber with the same lascivious eye that like you and I have towards Miley Cyrus?

Oct 1^st – Re: Poorly Handled Situation

TC: You watch jersey shore from last night? This chick Mike iced is just YOU

MB: I mean I just can’t believe he banged her and was done. She’s just the one!!

TC: She better be back!

Oct 3^rd – Re: Life-Changing Epiphany

TC: Tell ya what we’ve been making mistakes on – not coming to hooters more often. Jesus. That DC and I are at one in SD and the talent is staggering.

Oct 3^rd – Re: TC and His Bro Travel to SD to Watch the Chargers Destroy the Cards

(Note: These guys Devin and I spoke to literally would say things like “We’re Cholos man… Chargers!!” So, no disrespect or anything, just going by what we’re told).

MB: How’re those cholos treating ya?

TC: Surprising amount of cards fans… at hooters, on the train, and where we’re sitting… but nothing compares to the reaction of those cholos when gates scored. Brutal

MB: Make those cholos hear it!!!

TC: This team is pathetic.

MB: Max Hall

MB: Wow

Oct 7^th – Re: The 12 Year Old Fantasy That Never Dies

MB: Last night, I went all peeping tom on a chick. It was unreal, but kinda feel like a huge dirt bag…

Oct 8^th – Re: The Importance of Brady Hills

(Context: Brady was in AZ from Ireland for a bit and MB and I wanted to visit him).

MB: Simmons called the cards the worst team in the NFL.

TC: I mean, he could be right. In other news I see via facebook brady’s back in PHX… no reach out at all… not sure how I feel about that

MB: Interesting… did you reach out to him? I told him a while back to let me know his plans. Is there a move here?

TC: I haven’t reached out to him, but he was well aware of our intention… I don’t know what the move is. I’m a bit thrown by it… a hurt girlfriend. Guy’s just got new priorities.

MB: Haha, a hurt ex-girlfriend, evidently. It’s not like we could make it out this weekend anyway. Let’s reach out one of these days and figure it out.

TC: I know, but I still figured he’d put a feeler out…

MB: Maybe he feels overwhelmed being back? I’m sure there’s a lot of quotas he feels obligated to meet. Don’t be too butt hurt

TC: I’m a quota you can’t wait to fill!

Oct 10^th – Re: Cards vs Saints, or How the Hell Did That Really Happen

MB: Maybe this Max Hall can be something…

TC: I think he could be…

MB: Hahah what a garbage touchdown.

TC: Eh I’ll take it... they should have just pounded it in with beanie… and hall just got fucking LIT UP

MB: I knew they were gonna go play action on 2^nd down and I didn’t like it. Hall’s career is over.

MB: NFL teams can be so bipolar it’s crazy

TC: I hear ya. I mean I’m getting way ahead of myself here, but can’t wait to see what these fuckin pundits say if the cards win this!

MB: Hahha, I know, the pundits are as bipolar as the league. I don’t like Wiz going to Hightower on that third down.

MB: Why accept that penalty?!?

TC: Don’t know! Mindless! Unless maybe you cant cause the play shouldn’t even happen

MB: Not go get ahead of myself now, but a win here could turn the season around.

TC: He just knows where to throw!

MB: Just love seeing fitzy making big catches again! I’m just sooo willing to forgive my girlfriend the second she looks at me…

MB: NO FUCKING WAY!!!!

TC: WOOOOO!!!!

Later

TC: Hell yeah!!!

MB: THE ARIZONA FOOTBALL CARDINALS!!!!

TC: Fucking stupid third down play. Really fucking irritated at some of this play calling.

TC: I mean this Warner talking about Fitzy is putting a huge smile on my face

MB: Hahah I know… just a mindless play call there. What the fuck?!?! Unbelievable!

TC: So fucking stupid. Brees moves the ball into field goal range easy. FUCK

TC: Thank god that clock ran!

MB: Does the clock stop after fourth? Why not just take a knee? The coaches are really fucking this up!

MB: DRC!

TC: Man that feels good!! Real good! Real real good!

MB: Now pundits will look at the score and see a decisive win. Let’s see SF lose tonight!!!

TC: I don’t know why you care so much about SF… they’re terrible, forgotten. Limp cocks.

MB: I mean, even a limp cock can get hard. I’ve got over a hondo in bets that the cards will have a better record

Oct 10^th – Re: Don’t Let Bobby Go Out Like This!

TC: Dude Conrad has three errors? Loser… How is that possible?
MB: He’s garbage. How’s it possible he’s still in the game? Even worse, how’s it possible that wagner strained his oblique on a routine throw to first?!?!?

Oct 11^th – Re: A Hurt Girlfriend

MB: This Boardwalk Empire’s got me hooked, really into it

TC: Yeah, it’s getting better each episode… also, really enjoyed brady’s gmail status of “Cardinals game ripping beers and grilling” as I sit here not getting any reach outs!!

MB: You’re taking it way too personally. I’ll reach out.

Oct 11^th – Re: A Look Back at 2010, Where Brett Favre’s Cock Briefly Dominated Discourse

TC: Favre just continues to impress…

MB: Tell ya what’s not impressive about favre, his cock

TC: Hahah. Good call.

MB: Actually, my first impression when I saw those photos wasn’t surprise or disappointment or whatever, but “Hmm, that’s exactly how I imagine his cock to look…”

TC: Haha. Yeah, it looked about right… I mean, why text anyone a picture of an unimpressive cock? I guess if it’s requested, but allegedly this chick had no interest.

Oct 17^th – Re: Subpar Items Can Really Ruin a Trip to Taco Bell

TC: Just ripped beers with Brady and John… said they’re gonna try to stop in Riverside, you able to see them? And in other news, just finished a xxl chalupa…

MB: How’s that chalupa?!? Almost got one last night, but stuck with my staples

TC: I mean… too much sour cream, not enough nacho cheese.. not as big as it seems either… but that chalupa shell is delicious

Oct 21^st – Re: Something to Reiterate

TC: So text me your new address… and I’ll plan on leaving at 11… right?

TC: I mean…

TC: Tell ya what I hate… a nonresponsive cocksucker

There you have it. The first half of the texts. I stopped right before the NBA season began, because from that point, the texts not only increase in number, but become a lot more relevant to this blog. 

Where Hilarious Happens...

In case you missed it, it appears not everyone likes Baron Davis as much as Nash does.  News broke today that Donald Sterling (the Clippers' God-awful owner!) has taken to taunting Davis during games.  Among the shit Sterling was heard yelling: "Why are you in the game?"  "Why did you take that shot?"  "You're out of shape!"  I've got to say, this is probably the most hilarious un-Delonte-West-related story (here and here) i've heard in a long time.  I guess you really can't snake a snake...

MB

Bets

I haven’t shaved since Oct 26, opening night of the Suns season.  I bet a friend from Portland--let's call him 'AM'--that PHX would beat PDX.  Whoever’s team lost had to stop shaving til the next PHX/PDX game.  Unfortunately, PHX lost.  I told AM I'd send him a photo once the bet ended.  I hope he frames it and puts it up somewhere in his apartment.  For a while now I've thought it'd be pretty hilarious to hang a series of photos along these lines in one's apartment, like animal heads on display.  I just wish I was the one receiving the photo, not AM.  Anyway, PDX and PHX finally played again last night.  Here's what AM got:

I have no idea why I bet on PDX/PHX games.  It's not that I think PDX is better, though in this case I think I can say I didn't expect PHX to win given that it was the first real game since the summer overhaul and no one can reasonably expect all the new parts to fit together right away.  Rather, it's because watching these is already stressful enough for me.  I lived in Portland for about five years, and almost all my friends there are PDX fans.  When they win, I get a lot shit.  Mostly it's in the form of texts, and it can last for days.  Admittedly, it's not entirely undeserved.  I tend to be pretty obnoxious when PHX wins.  Actually, I'm probably (read: definitely) more obnoxious.  During last year's playoffs, it was outrageous.  I think I talked enough shit to warrant three more years of their abuse.  Still, it's so far from enjoyable watching these games, and the thought of not only having to watch the Suns lose, which usually is enough to ruin my night, but having to put up with a whole suite of friends rubbing it in...well, that makes me real stressed out.  Add to that the fact that if PHX loses, I'll have to go a month without shaving, or I'll owe someone $20 (a bet I made right before last night's game), or I'll have to use a picture of Robert Horry as my FB profile photo for the next three days (another bet I made before last night's game), or I'll have to buy someone a pitcher next time I'm in town (that's right, yet another bet), and you might begin to understand why I was so fucking irate last night when PHX lost.  Well, looks like I'll be going double or nothing for Friday.

MB

Losers, Cont.

So while my fellow Snake below decided to jump right in, I feel that there’s an obligation that goes with the start of a blog to introduce it in some way. And since we don’t have any kind of “Information” section about just what this blog is, I’ll take a brief moment to explain. I am one of two Snakes who will write for this blog, and it’s all about AZ sports. We’ll primarily focus on professional sports, but will certainly discuss all levels of play… and naturally we’ll veer off into topics that aren’t even close to relevant to AZ or even sports, but rest assured that we’ll do our best to find a roundabout way to justify why it’s being included here. We call it “Six Degrees of AZ Sports,” in which we can take any topic and relate it back to the governing theme of the blog. To give you a quick example, if we’re talking about our favorite amateur porn videos, it can be as simple as “This is an amateur video. Tell you who’s also an amateur – Earl Barron. If the guy in this video is capable of finishing in three minutes, why the fuck can’t Barron finish in the paint?!”

So, welcome then, one post late, to “Can’t Snake a Snake”…. And what is that title? Why exactly, you ask, can’t a snake be snaked? It’s a valid question, the answer to which could be debated for hours. To put it simply, it’s just an indelible truth: a snake in question cannot, at any point, under any circumstances, be itself “snaked.” To further shed light on the phenmonenon, you can look no further than searching for “flying snakes” on youtube. Pretty much says it all. Then of course, think of all the Snakes we know and love. You’ve got Solid Snake, who does so much snaking of his own there’s not even time to look at it the other way around. You got the lovable vato, Snake from Airborne, who teamed with Mitchell Goosen to take on Devil’s Backbone. I mean, the only way you’re gonna make a rollerblader tough is if you name him Snake, right? Then of course, you’ve got the original Snake – Plissken. No one’s gonna out-snake that motherfucker. You got a weak Snake when talking about the guy from the Simpsons, but he’s hilarious enough to warrant the name. Then you got Jake "the Snake" Roberts, the wrestler who carried around a boa constrictor. I mean, I refuse to look it up, but when you got a guy named "The Snake" in WWE it's safe to say he held the title belt for a long time. And then we’ve got a hero of the blog - Jake “The Snake” Plummer, an ASU grad who led the Cardinals to their first playoff win since moving to Arizona, against the Cowboys no less. And now apparently he's a professional handball player, which sounds about right. (By now you’ve figured out that this is pretty much all nonsense, and that not being able to snake a snake really means nothing, but in a deeper sense, means everything. Also, the Dbacks are affectionately known as “The Snakes,” and though it could be said, especially in the last few seasons, that you most definitely can snake a group of snakes, the 2001 title puts any threat of our snakes being snaked to rest).

The title of this entry is “Losers, Cont” so rather than ramble on and on about nothing I should probably touch upon the issue brought up by my colleague below. Painful losses. Well, we are AZ fans, so we should have annals of bad losses from which to choose. He pretty much covered the worst of them, so there’s not much left for me to say…

The Suns losses are the toughest to remember. The Suns figure most prominently in my love of sports, and while I could scrutinize the past six or seven years in exhausting detail, Bill Simmons already did this in a far more eloquent and interesting (and really fucking depressing – it’s not easy to read) way.

I don’t want to harp on what could have been too much, because the recent Suns playoff performances have been some of the most grueling, heartbreaking moments of my life (yes, the implication there is that I have an unexciting, loserish life). From the flat-out failures to the severe injustices to the fucking Evil Empire that is the Spurs, it’s been a rough decade as a Suns fan (but also a glorious one, as Simmons also explains. We’ve been spoiled to have the most entertaining team for years). While I’m tempted to launch into a tirade on the Spurs right now, I’m going to save that for a future post. Not sure my blood pressure can handle it. I will, however, take a look at a specific game that's fresh in my memory: Game One of the 2008 Playoffs, though, as I distinctly remember how badly that loss hurt.

Game one of the ’08 Playoffs – Suns vs. Spurs. (I know the most painful losses occurred during the 2007 Playoffs, when the Spurs played some of the dirtiest, pathetic basketball of recent memory and were gifted a win from David Stern. But it’s not as fresh as this memory). In game one, the Suns suffer a double overtime loss. Game is sent into the first OT by a three from Michal Finley, who deserves to be on a Most Overrated list, but whatever. A shot like that is part of the game. Finley is an effective three-point shooter and he hit one when he needed to. Part of the game. Let me tell you what’s not part of the game. Tim Duncan hitting a three to send it into the second OT. Do you remember this?

Good fucking God do I hate watching it. O’Neal does the right thing following Ginobili off of the screen. He needed to get in the way of a potential game tying three. And why not leave Duncan alone? It’s not like an eighteen foot bankshot is gonna tie up the game, so Duncan’s pretty much an afterthought. But no. Ginobili swings the ball back to Duncan and he plants those two pigeon toes together and hoists up a prayer three. And somehow, it goes in. (And then an obnoxious celebration by the Gumby-esque Duncan flailing those limbs around did not help lessen the fucking impossibility of it all).

Right, the game went into another Overtime. So the Suns could have won it. Well, true. But back-to-back clutch threes to extend the game will galvanize a team and that’s exactly what happened. The Suns lost. And this changed the face of the series. Had Duncan not hit that three, it’s entirely probable that the Suns take the series, and then face the Hornets, who clearly would have struggled matching up against the Suns. (I know Parker went off against Nash in the remainder of the series, but it was the Suns’ pain of Game One that forced all subsequent storylines). After the Hornets, we’d have faced the Lakers, and who knows? Maybe here the Shaq experiment would have paid off, where his hatred for LA and his desire to still be one of the best would have neutralized Gasol and Bynum. Just by being in the Conference Finals, that close to the Finals again and another title – that’s easily enough incentive for the Big Shaqtus to play his ass off… and with Nash, Stoudemire, et al firing on all cylinders, they probably could have taken the Lakers. Then the Celtics in the finals… who knows?

Obviously, I’m going out on several limbs to say that losing Game 1 of the first round of the playoffs is the reason the Suns didn’t go to the NBA Finals. (Bias or not – that’s exactly what happened). And maybe that’s one of the toughest things about being a sports fan. Mapping out a narrative in your head of how things “could have” gone, if not for one play here or there. And every team in every sport probably has these moments (Christ, the Buffalo Bills!). These moments you can’t forget. The ones that, god dammit, maybe could have happened a little differently. And as I mentioned, the '07 playoffs were even worse. But that's a topic for another post down the line...

Welcome to Can't Snake a Snake.

-TC

Losers

I was listening to the B.S. Report recently, and Simmons mentioned something that got me thinking.  He was talking about how for each professional franchise there's like one or two memories their fans can't shake.  E.g., if you're a Blazers fan, it's probably blowing that 15pt lead against the Lakers in game 7 of the '00-'01 playoffs.  (Or is it drafting Greg Oden over Durant?  Bowie over Jordan?  Or realizing that Roy will most likely never be the player he was pre-injury?  Or firing the best thing that happened to your franchise for no apparent reason?)

At any rate, like I said, this got me thinking, "What are the moments most AZ fans have?  What god-awful memories will haunt us forever?"  Surprisingly, it's a little harder to answer this than i would've guessed.  I say "surprisingly" because AZ franchises have had their share of disappointing moments.  Aside from the Mercury and Rattlers, our professional teams combine for one championship (but a real fuckin' glorious one at that).  So, there's a lot of frustration and heartbreak and shitty memories to go around.  I figure what better way to kick off a blog about all things related to AZ sports than by highlighting some of the worst moments for what's become a state full of perennial losers.  I'll mention a few that immediately come to ming, and then say what are the two worst for me, personally.  (N.B. nothing on my list predates 1993.  As far as I know, all professional sports started in the late 80s or early 90s.)

1.  Most recently, there's the Holmes' catch, which resulted in the Cards losing the '09 Super Bowl.  This cut is fresh, and it still stings--a lot.  Fitzy had just scored a 64 yard touchdown to give the Cards a three point lead with just under 3 mins left.  Unreal.  Plus, after the kickoff and a penalty, the Stealers found themselves in a 1st and 20 situation near their endzone.  But, of course, the fatass, who might not be that good, managed to avoid a couple tackles and get the first down.  He then moved the ball up field, and before I could even ask how the hell the Stealers got to the red zone, Holmes caught a game winner.  Fastfoward two years, and the Cards are making a strong case for being the worst team in the NFC (and so the entire NFL).  Goddammit.

Still, I'm reluctant to consider this one of the worst moment in AZ fans' (recent) memories.  Not only were the Cards fortunate to be in the Super Bowl, they couldn't have been expecte to win.  They were playing with house money.  Sure, it sucks they lost, but it's not a far off world in which they don't even beat the Falcons (and an even closer one in which they lost to the Panthers or the Eagles).  You had a brief chance to date someone way out of your league, and you missed it.  It would've been sweet, but it's not like trying to settle and still getting turned down.  You're stoked you even had the chance.  We can live with this one.

2.  Game 6, '93 NBA Finals.  "Here's Paxson for three...YES!"  Ughhh...No!  And fuck you, Marv!  That year, the Suns roaster was unreal (Barkley, KJ, Thunder Dan, Chambers, Ceballos, Ainge), and unlike the '09 Cards, their being in the finals wasn't a total anomaly.  They had the NBA's best record, Barkley was league MPV, and they had to go through a real tough Sonics lineup in the WCF.  Problem is they ran into the same obstacle every other team in the 90s ran into--namely, the Bulls.  Either way, the Suns were one Pippen-to-Grant-to-Paxson play (and a blocked floater from KJ) away from taking it to game seven.  Had Pacson missed that shot, or had Westphal drawn up a different play, there's a good chance we're now seeing a championship banner hanging in America West Arena (err United Airways Center).

I suppose this one makes most lists.  It's not on my personal list only because i was 8 at the time.  I remember being a big fan of the Suns, but an 8 yr old's capacity to care about a team doesn't compare to a young adult's.  I went swimming right after the Suns lost.  I'd probably get drunk and cry if the same thing happened nowadays.  (Small but revealing aside: Seriously, I think I would cry.  I teared up a bit after the Suns got eliminated from the WCF last year, just because I thought it'd be the last time the Nash-era Suns had a shot at the finals.  It's pathetic, I know.)

Now, I'm positive there's one or two moments I'm forgetting.  I'd be curious to hear what those are.  I probably could be talked into including Hatcher's bone-crushing hit on JR in '99.  JR led the Yotes in scoring that year, and the hit put him on a long DL stint late in the season.  I think he even missed a few playoff games too, though he did manage to return despite his jaw, making him the other AZ athlete to have played with a broken face.  Let's call it a tentative (3), but only tentative 'cause not enough Arizonians care about the NHL.  Anyway, here are the two that get me the most.

4.  Horry's hip check on Nash, round 2 of '06-'07 WCP.  Obviously, the Spurs have burned the Suns a handful of times.  Other than this, there are like five or six moments I can cite that still get me riled today--e.g., Duncan's overtime three, the bloody nose that sidelined nash, Bowen's knee to Nash's crotch or kick to Amare's Achilles.  That's just part of being a Suns fan, I guess.  Still, Horry's hip check dips into a level of shittiness that none of these memories approximate.  I don't need to review what happened.  Just not that, when i found out that Stern supported the decision to suspend Diaw and Amare for walking on the court, something which, if you watch enough NBA, happens all the fucking time (e.g., last night, during the Cavs v Heat game, Lebron jumped on the court while celebrating one of Wade's dunks), i got drunk and wrote a very heartfelt message to my roommates on our kitchen whiteboard detailing the extent to which (a) the Suns are really the only thing that matters to me and (b) they had suffered an injustice.  Even sober, I think that's about right.  As a while, middle-class male, I'm pretty sure this series of events is the closest thing I've come to experiencing what it's like to be the subject of real, holy-shit-how-can-this-fucking-be-it's-so-obviously-unfair-why-God-why injustice.  Maybe it's displaced, but to this day I resent Stern and think Horry can go to hell.

5.  ASU's loss to OSU, '97 Rose Bowl.  I know I've been sticking to profession sports, but I've got to include this one.  My reasons for doing so are somewhat idiosyncratic, though.  My dad and I were at the game.  It looked like the Devils were going to pull out the victory.  The Snake had just scored a TD, which put us up by three with about a minute left.  Then came the PI calls.  I wasn't at the game at that point, sadly enough.  When ASU scored the go-ahead touchdown, my dad and i left to catch our flight back to PHX.  We figured we had it, and my dad wanted to beat the crowd.  It wasn't until we got to the airport that an OSU fan broke the news to us.  Some freshman entered the game and promptly got two PI calls against him.  OSU got a huge chunk of yards off those penalties and the opportunity to win the game, which they took.  I think what sucks the most is that, for about 20 mins after the game, my dad and I thought ASU had won.  It was devastating to hear the truth.  Plus, I remember we were sort of celebrating the whole time, too.  I bet it was real satisfying for that OSU fan to break the news to us.

MB